To You, Dad

So, to give you a little background... My father passed away when I was 16 years old.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed away 5 months later in November of 1999.  The loss of a parent is pretty devastating.  It was hard for me, at the age of 16, as a daddy's girl, having her hero pass away from a pretty nasty cancer, to say the least.  I haven't been able to tell him Happy Father's Day since his passing 18 years ago, and I thought I would do it through this heartfelt letter.

Dear Dad,

I can't believe how long it's been.  So long since I felt you, saw your beautiful face smiling back at me; so long since I've heard your laughter.  I miss you.

Even though I've learned to live without you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  Thank you for your signs, the messages you send me every so often.  I see you in the clouds; I see you in the animals you once taught me about; I see you in the breeze that brushes the leaves so slightly; in the hawk that stops to rest on a branch and looks at me.

I am forever grateful for the time I was blessed to have with you.  Such an amazing person, who not only impacted my life, but so many others.  The moment I realized after you died that it wasn't just me losing you as a father, but others who had lost a husband, brother, brother-in-law, friend, adopted father, godfather.  Their loss hit me when one of your best friends showed up at the door after you had passed, in tears, sobbing... how were we dealing with our loss?  How were we holding it together?  I realized right at that moment...  I wasn't the only one who had lost you; there were so many others. 

Thank you from all of us. Thank you for being the amazing human you were, for the amazing spirit you had. You not only live through me, but through them too.  You were so strong and now it's our turn to be strong and to carry on your memory, your values, your honesty, your humor... your kindness.  Others describe you as larger than life and, boy, are they right... the void you left is unfillable (until we tell one of your many stories, bringing you back to us, even if just for a moment).

Happy Father's Day from all of us.  We love you.  We miss everything that was a part of you.

Love Always,
   Your little buddy

As a young adult, I loved to write stories and poems (clearly nothing has changed, hehe).  After my father passed, I wrote my last poem, until now!  Here is my poem to my father as a young kid and now as an adult.

Alone in the Dark
I try and keep myself busy, cleaning my room or dusting.
Not knowing what to do with myself.
I try not to think of you, but do all the time.
When I finally have nothing else to do but sit, I start to thinking of the good times and the fights we've had.
I remember when I would have a problem with boyfriends, friends, and mom. You knew something was bothering me and I wouldn't want to tell you at first, but then, when you would tickle my hand and ask me what was wrong, I had to tell you.
When I would be mad at you or mom about something stupid like not being able to go somewhere (or something dumb like that). I'd go in my room and slam the door so you could hear it.
Then five minutes would go by and I'd hear you knocking at my door.  I'd tell you to go away, but you'd tell me to open the door, and I always did.
You'd tell me not to be mad at you or mom, and you'd tell me that you loved me, and you were just looking out for me... and I just couldn't be mad anymore.
You had this power over me.  You'd tell me I was your "little baby girl."
I miss you so much.
Why did it have to end so soon?  Why did God want you so soon?
I need you.  So many people need you.
Why did you get sick and leave me here in the dark all alone?
I have so many questions and no one can answer them.
When I think of you, I feel like I can't breathe. 
I feel so alone without you here telling me everything will turn out for the best and playing with my hair.
It feels like I will wake up one morning, go into your bedroom, and see you looking away from the T.V. and then at me.  Then you'll pat your hand next to you, telling me to come sit with you, and I'll tell you my horrible story about you being gone and me not having you... and you'll reassure me everything is okay, and you're here, and you're not going anywhere for a long time.
Every morning I feel like it's just a bad dream, but it's not.
You're still not here.
People say all good things must come to an end, and it has.
All things happen for a reason, right Daddy?

Now my message as an adult... 

Heroes Never Die
You might have passed on, but you are never gone.  I feel you.  I see you.  You might have left this earth, Dad, but I still look to you during the hard times, during the good times and seeing you checking in with me at those times (and others), even when I'm not actually thinking of you, but just contemplating things in life.  With different signs, different messages, all I can do is smile gently and take the moment in as long as I can.  Knowing that it is you. You are always here in my heart and in everything around me.  You are forever with me... for heroes never die.